I AND MY WORDS

I decided, after gathering some courage, to enter back into our office, where the editor and I used to sit and discuss; where my idealism used to clash with his sense of journalism. The last conversation is still haunting me deep in my heart, as I hear each word distinctly. “You know what Sam, you are fresh out of college. That is why you can afford to think like this. Do you think the people really care with others’ feelings? We are all sadists, face it. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be for you in this profession.” “Fuck you man. How can you be so cruel? Even if they belong to the ghettoes or to the highest strata of society, they are all people. Civility, justice and moral journalism all demand that everyone be seen equal in their eyes; that they all are equally at the receiving end of the stick as much as they are the wielders of the same. Even if everyone becomes a sadist, I will be conscious enough not to be the same.” “Cut the crap lady,” he spoke, as he squashed t...

Life is such a drag for me nowadays; I do not know what to do in this sweltering Hyderabad heat. It is so hot I feel a times that my eyelids are drying out if I do not take enough water any day. I do not feel happy nowadays; not that I am sad; but I am in a zone of emotions where one is totally blank; where he or she does not realize what really is going on in the mind. I am trying to realize; perhaps it is part of the on-going process of understanding myself. I have been reading Lokmanya Tilak's biography nowadays, and feel ashamed about the kind of life I am leading right now. This man had started a reputed college and school by the time he was twenty four; and here I am, rotting away in wait of my twenty third birthday. But one thing is for sure; I am close to realizing what I really want to do with my life. I just wish that I now can really gather the courage and strength to follow that calling.

Let there be light Over the darkness shall it prevail Let there be power For the weak’s protection without fail Let there be joy To kill the sorrows hidden within us Let there be poverty For none shall be rich and mock others thus Let there be food For none shall ever go hungry Let there be peace For due to violence none shall be angry Let there be no God For in Its name no one shall die Let there be no borders For expanding which none shall try Let there be smiles That stretch ear to ear, and are genuine Let there be doctors Who never, ever run out of medicine Let all people be blind For colour, creed and race shall cease to be visible Let all tongues be dead For spewing venom then none shall be able Let us all be dumb For none shall judge the other Let life take its normal course So that sons cremate their fathers Let greed be stymied forever For then the planet shall exist And the air shall be clean; the water shall be clear And from creating pollution we desist Tell me, is it too m...

Its hot nowadays in Hyderabad. If you ask around, people will patiently inform you that the weather is normal for this time of the year, and that it shall last till the end of April, when the pre-monsoon showers shall begin. I do not know about that, but for now, the heat is really getting to me for sure. I have not been to some of the famous places yet. It seems surprising; in Delhi, I used to die to visit monuments; what has happened to me now? Sometimes, I wish I could force myself to visit the Qutb Shahi tombs or even go the Qutubuddin Sha dargah. But none of that seems to be happening at all. I am turning into what I fear the most; an inactive, pessimistic person.

I met you a few days back, You seemed so odd to me. There were changes in your look, That did not appeal to me. The hair was different, the ears had an extra piercing, The clothes you wore seemed strange, the shoes were shimmering. You were in tune with the others, not with me, And I had thought, here was someone who understood me. You asked me how it looked, And I quietly smiled. Not willing to hurt your feelings, I said you looked just fine. Your attitude was so different towards me You seemed to shifty around me As if I made you highly uncomfortable, And that you did not wish to be seen around me. You laughed in a manner that was totally fake, You tried to stir up conversations with some intricacy. And I tried to understand what was wrong today Why you were hurting my soul pointedly. What was my fault, that I was being treated thus Were you ashamed of your "friend", as you had once said of me? I felt embarrassed and guilty, for making you feel this way But was it really be...

I am going crazy. Nothing seems to make sense now to me. The killer is on loose again, and all I can do is while away, poring over clues on his target next. Will it be Sam, or will it be the forensic scientist again? What were his patterns; what were his trademarks? With age, I have also lost my ability to recall. But he is around us, or was. But is it enough to catch hold of him, and make him pay for what he has done? Destiny is on his side once again. And here stand I, licking at my wounded pride that still exists after missing him on so may occasions. What is Stanley up to right now? Frankly, I don’t know. I don’t care as well, strangely. Once, I would have been all fired up, but today, I am totally distant with all that is happening around me? Is it my old age? Or has this line made me like this? Impassionate, distant, lost? I was standing outside, watching an unconscious woman on ventilator, who had been administered a lethal dose of thallium. How could this have been done, withou...

“Welcome. You must have been waiting for a very long time, I believe,” she said to me. She walked towards me in the lounge, where I had been waiting for her. “Not at all,” I replied, as I got up to shake hands with her. “In fact, for a minute I thought that I was late, for I do not wear a watch. My name is Rohit.” “I know that, Mr. Mattoo had informed me previously. I am Laaleshwari Kaul. I was looking forward to meeting you. How is your documentary shooting going on?” “Fairly well,” I spoke, as I walked along with her into the hospital, as she led me towards the infirmary. “How are you today?” “Just as usual,” she spoke, as we went past one ward after the other. The day was very normal. “Boy,” I said, “It’s a bit chilly today.” “You think so? I thought the weather was better than last week. It was really hot,” she smiled, as we closed in on the infirmary, which seemed a nice, warm and cozy building made of wood and stone. “Here is the infirmary. Do you want to go and have some tea fir...